My Health is a Merry go Round

I was just told, not only do I have MS and Lupus, I also have Fibromyalgia! I couldn’t understand why my Percocet, Neurontin and Lyrica aren’t working. I can’t get rid of the pain! My body is fighting on so many fronts.. Is this what I have to suffer until I die? Incredible pain with no relief? My right arm and hand are useless. I am helpless to my health. I have no control of my body anymore.

I live in a rural area. I cant afford cable or internet. There is no busing. My Dr’s, pharmacy, groceries are all in a 5 mi area. I have no extra money for a cab. I’m too young for any help at the senior center. I can’t walk far even with a walker….So I’m housebound. I feel helpless. With my health, ability to get what I have to. I don’t feel the joy of life like I once did. Makes me sad. I want it back. I struggle everyday with just trying to function.

I don’t want to spin so out of control that I won’t be able to get some of it back. I was raised to get a grip and move on. But I can’t. These diseases won’t let me.


I’m still trying to recover from my injury. Living alone sucks sometimes. Lifting things too heavy is what did me in. Now 2 1/2 wks later I don’t cry all day.

I have been going through many emotions and physical issues. I found out today I can chalk another symptom on the terminally ill side. My OCD which I thought was another crazy part of my brain. Thank you Pamela for all your undiluted blogs of your life!

I feel like I’m on a raft floating and spinning around waiting to see what is normal to my illnesses. Every day it’s something new. I find out from people who are going through it and can write a blog, I call diarys. I wish there books with unrated, real person experiences. My neurologist’s idea of care is finding my MS and sending me out to the world. No wonder I feel set a drift.

Depression is the WORST one for me. As I sat down today, it dawned on me, what if most of the suicides are caused from undiagnosed illnesses? I know everyday is touch and go for me. Your body is attacking you. You don’t know why and there’s no one to understand and help you! I know MS is a daily struggle to deal with, not knowing what else is attacking is a nightmare.

I don’t ask for pity or I’m sorry’s. I WANT UNDERSTANDING! I want an aggressive approach finding out what the hell is in me! Symptoms associated with it and treatment! I ALWAYS had faith in the medical field. Now I’m seeing the canyon through it and people on top of each other in it! Like looking down into HELL! I swear if I could I’d go back in time to when Dr’s had a mission to care for and help people. I don’t understand. I did nothing in my life so bad to be punished like this.

That’s when give up mode turns on. Like now.. I’ve been a strong, caring, loving person all my life. All I ever asked God for was, please give me peace and happiness and real true love.  Not an easy life or money. I helped anyone any way I could when asked of or not. I raised 2 children alone the best I could through my body trying to kill me.

Is it any wonder why I’m just tired and want to give up? I’ve put everyone first, ex husband, children, elders, family before me. It’s sad to say I’m always in last for them. I have no one. No Dr’s, family, friends. I’m like a used toy now. I feel like I’ve been tossed away. Defective and no one knows what to do with me.

I didn’t ask for any of this. I’m sorry I’m not capable of doing any of the things I used to. I’m not that strong caring person anymore. IT’S NOT MY FAULT!!!  I wish with every cell in my body I could overcome this and be the person I was!

Remember, this is my diary! Any decisions I make are my right. I’m the one in turmoil. If I choose to give up I will. I won’t feel guilty. I’ve felt that plenty and I won’t on my way out.

No today isn’t that day.